Just to get something off my chest

Note: This is my blog. My thoughts... my opinions. I have the right to say what I want to say and to be blantently honest. However,I will choose to omit names.

I have been very frusturated with myself lately. The issue I have been frusturated with myself about is related to the whole issue with moving on from stuff related to NLBP. I am fully aware that people in my intern company have been frusturated with me a lot over the past several months because I have had issues with letting go of stuff that happened while we were there and stuff that has happened since we left. While two people have been particulary vocal about how frusturated they have been with me I wouldn't be surprised if more people were too. I am not at all upset with anyone for being frusturated with me and I do not blame them either. If the situation were reversed and I was getting bombarded with emails about the Barn I would be frusturated too. To be clear to my readers and anyone from my intern company who reads this: I am not lashing out at anyone and I am not out to offend anyone either. I am just stating how I feel.. and that is frusturated with myself. I love everyone from my intern company dearly they should all know this. I am not mad at anyone....I have no reason to be mad at anyone except myself and I'm also hoping no one is mad at me.
If you go back in my previous entries you will see that it took me a significant amount of time to move on from stuff related to the Barn. Stuff that happened that summer, worrying I was going to be forgotten about and that memories would be forgotten and subsequently angry about changes that have went on at the Barn since I left there that I can't control. I haven't been forgotten, memories have not been forgotten. Everyone just moved on. I have too. If you read my other entries in this blog you'll see that I still try to involved in theatre while I look for a job that will pay the bills. With the way the economy is those jobs are hard to come by. The memories from the Barn are nonwithstanding and will always stay with all of us. I was depressed about stuff related to the Barn for a long time and it took me longer than it should have to let go of certain things and accept the Barn Playhouse was changing. I am a lot better. I have learned to let go and forgive myself and that's what I really should've have done from the beginning. A lot of anxiety would have been saved that way. :)

Depression has passed.. that storm blew over along time ago. However, what I am worried about now is that people from my intern company think I'm mentally unstable. That's not the case. It never was.

Edit 2/19: As I said at the beginning of the entry this is my blog and I have every right to say what I want to say. I was debating taking this entry down but then decided not to for this very reason. Perhaps I am over reacting but I have every right to react as strongly as I do. My friendships mean a lot to me and I am not out to ruin the friendships I have with the people from my intern company because of my past actions and how long it took me to move on from stuff related to the Barn. I know I shouldn't be so inferior or care so much about what other people think of me but sometimes I can't help it. I am trying to keep Maggie's one sentence of advice in mind "We All Love You Just Trust It." Sometimes that I hard to do because I feel like I have blown it with so many people in so many ways including Will. For a long time I thought he hated me which obviously isn't true. He and I both know that I was emotionally attached to him after we left the Barn and everyone else knows that I had the hardest time with moving on from him. For the record: Maggie- I didn't mean to piss you off by bringing Will up in so many of our emails.. I know that drove you crazy and I'm sorry for that. Any way I found an old email that Will sent me saying that I'm a wonderful woman (which is true) and that he had a wonderful summer with me that summer but I needed to move on from him. I clearly had a huge issue with moving on from that and read to far into his message jumping to the conclusion that he hated me for the way I was acting which as I just said most likely isn't true. I was additionally worried that he was going to get a restraining order against me but I was probably worried about that for no reason too. Generally speaking what I need to do is relax and stop being so inferior and insecure. Despite their frusturations with me over time everyone from my intern company loves me as Maggie's one sentence of advice so plainly states I just need to trust that a little bit better. As far as Will is concerned he'll most likely come back into my life at some point.. I just need to let things be and stop worrying because most likely he doesn't hate me/never hated me to begin with.

and Happy Birthday to Nicolina Sciascia tomorrow! :)